If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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