The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
