She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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