can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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