Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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