my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
