so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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