my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize