i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
