my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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