Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
