I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
