First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
