i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
