I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
