I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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