His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
