Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i need some magic done to my vagina
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
