Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
