Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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