It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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