I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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