You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
