it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She told me I should be a condom model.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
