why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize