In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
