I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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