Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
