Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
