Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
