I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
