I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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