Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
