My liver just broke up with me...
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
