i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
