Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I deserve this hangover.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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