so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize