I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It all started with a game of naked twister.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
