Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
