Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
