you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
