brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You just made me feel so damn special
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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