I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
