I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
