I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
