How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
