allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
