Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize