I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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