Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
