checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize