hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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