Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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