Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
