I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
