he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
