Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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