I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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