As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
