Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
